How does a 141 relative rabbit take on a 190 heffalump? The grades say that in 100 games I should scrape two draws or one win. But I don't believe in a no-win situation. In 35 years I've drawn with a future GM when he was only 200 and taken down two 180's. The last time was 10 years ago against Drunken Knights in Swamp 1. Can history repeat itself? Will I be out-trunked, wangle a draw, or voodoo my way to victory? Let's find out.
ACT ONE: DAYLIGHT
At the end of Swamp 7 I laid the tiger to rest and promised to play sensible chess.
But tonight I face a mega-heffalump. It's unlikely I can out-analyse or out-theory him. The
best chance would be to resurrect the swamp tiger. I dug him up for a match
last year at Drunken Knights against heffalump George Leyton and got mercilessly outswamped, staked, hung, beheaded, drawn and quartered in a Max Lange Attack. But nothing so jammy could stay dead so easily.
1.d4
With this move White announces "I'm going to squash you, bunny." Our grades are the
average of our performances. Which means if we get a position I know intimately how to
play and he thinks he does but overplays his hand, then I have a chance. I need to
neutralise his style and impose my own.
1...Nf6
White proposes a quickplay finish. I ask his grade. 190 he replies, not stopping to ask
mine but perhaps he knows. To maximise my chances to get lucky, I agree to the
quickplay.
2.c4
e6
3.Nc3
Bb4
Brilliant, the Nimzo-Indian Defence, my favourite opening, invented by the great Aron
Nimzovich, whose hypermodern ideas such as prophylaxis are explained in the eternal
classic My System. White will build a huge classical pawn centre. Black plans to
restrain it, then blockade it, then either destroy it round the edges or launch a mating
K-side attack. Black uses prophylactic moves not just to improve his own position, but to
prevent his opponent from improving his.
4.f3
In his book The Nimzo-Indian Defence, Gligoric calls this the Gheorghiu variation and says it's a favourite of the ultra-aggressive GM Shirov. "White wants to first provoke 4 .d5 (to prevent e4) and only then to continue 5 a3. The drawback of this scheme is that White's 4th move deprives his KN of its best square, slows down the development of his kingside and creates weaknesses in that area, so that Black should have no difficulty in finding good counterplay. This line has been particularly popular recently. This is the result of a growing inclination among players ... to try out lines which aim at an outright refutation of the opponent's system." So basically White is throwing down the gauntlet and declaring: Cum 'n git sum if you fink you iz 'ard enuf my son. Me picks it up and sez me live in East London, so yes me iz well 'ard enuf innit.
4...c5
5.d5
Nh5
It looks weird but this tricky move by the dark knight has been around for decades. It aims to disrupt White's K-side development with the threat of Qh4+ and get in f5 to continue the restraint phase. As far as White is concerned, Mr Knight is not just dark but somewhat evil, but he will get a lot more evil before the game is over. Am I hallucinating or did the knight just mutter "It's Sir Knight. I didn't spend 14 years at Evil Knight School to be called plain Mr Knight thank you very much."
6.g3
f5
7.e4
f4
Forced or else e5 will be crushing and White's QB joins the game.
8.Nge2
Bxc3+
9.bxc3
White was tempted by Nxc3, but the first rule of crushing bunnies is to take no risks.
9...e5
10.Bh3
g5
Essential to hang on to f4 and keep the centre blockaded so my knights are better than his bishops. White wants me to play d6 so he can liquidate the Bc8 that could otherwise
be annoying at a6, and then he will attack down the a-file.
11.Rb1
b6
12.Qa4
0-0
13.Bf5
With a view to h4 and a break-in at h7, so now I decide to simplify.
13...d6
Completing the central blockade. Hang about, he's got Rxb6. But actually that's ok for Black, I can force off the queens and go into a blocked endgame with knights where his doubled extra c-pawn will be weak. Maybe he doesn't realise this. I've specialised in the related Hubner variation (with Nf3 instead of f3) since the seventies and won this kind of position loads of times by getting in at c4 or on the K-side, though not against heffalumps.
14.Bxc8
Qxc8
15.g4
Nf6
16.Rxb6
axb6
Having dislodged the evil Sir Knight, White reckons he's winning a pawn and the game, but in reality this dissipates his attacking force. Now White has about as much chance of winning this game as I have of winning Miss World. The position is nailed shut like a tiger in a welded sarcophagus. Furthermore, if he had paid more attention when the latest Wallace and Gromit movie came to tv at Christmas, he might remember that as night falls
and the moon rises, wimpy-looking rabbits can transform into heffalump-chomping were-rabbits and evil knights can rise from the grave.
17.Qxa8
Qa6
18.Qxa6
Nxa6
19.h4
h6
Somewhere in the next few moves I offered a draw before he does. I'm happy with a draw, he is 190 and there's only a limited time left. White declines the draw, saying that he has an extra pawn. What he really means is that in relative terms I am the rabbit and he is a a chess Terminator. However Wikipedia says "In a more strategic sense, prophylaxis leads to a very positional game, often frustrating for players with a strong tactical orientation. Players who play in the prophylactic style prevent the initiation of tactical play by threatening unpleasant consequences. One of the largest advantages of this approach is that it causes an overaggressive player to lose patience and make a mistake while keeping risk to a minimum." Let the manoeuvres commence.
20.Kd1
Kg7
21.Kc2
Kg6
22.h5+
Kf7
23.Bd2
Ra8 My aim is to secure the Q-side and make the time control at move 30. I cannot infiltrate at c4 or on the K-side unless White is careless. Two weeks earlier I had vacillated between good moves and lost on time in a won position with just two moves to make. One week later I was more decisive and won. With a long endgame in a quickplay finish it's important to get on with it so I don't get busted in a time scramble by a heffalump with superior endgame technique
24.Rb1
Nd7
ACT TWO: TWILIGHT The evil knight appears emtombed at d7 for eternity, holding up b6, and Black's pawns are never going anywhere. But it's getting late at night, and frankly there's been quite enough prophylaxis and dodgy plot and character scene-setting. There are still 40 minutes to go and 5 million quid left in the make-up and special effects budget. The Drunken Knight is well into slurping his second or third pint and having sealed up the evil king's knight on d7 is feeling optimistic.
However outside the moon is rising and deep in his coffin on d7 the evil knight is tanking up on Red Bull and dreaming of what evil knights do best.
25.Rb3
Nc7
The evil dark knight at d7 gets a drinking buddy at c7 and starts putting evil ideas into her head
26.Kb2
Ke7
27.Nc1
Ra4
28.Ra3
It's the moment of choice, Ra4xRa3 for an insipid position where White will try to work his way in at a5 and b5, or risk ... Rxc4; Kb3 b5 and is my rook trapped? Is it possible I could sac my way into those pawns and create a pastie or two, or three? Take a moment to think it through and reject nothing, no matter how c.r.a.z.y. Nimzovich says pawn chains should be attacked at the base. I would dearly love to nibble away at those pawns, starting with the f-pawn. Consider all Black's moves, no matter how daft. "If you're aware of the principle and you violate it knowingly, you're not violating it. It's called good tactics."
Outside the moon is fully risen and unbeknownst to White, the coffin lid of the Nd7 is starting to creak open. The evil knight was buried next to an abandoned vacuum cleaner from the Robertson's jam factory that was used to clean up a major industrial accident and never emptied. The evil knight is tinkering with it and has just found the switch that turns it from suck up jam to squirt, squirt hard with a vengeance.
28...Rxc4
29.Kb3
b5
The coffin lid flies off. This isn't looking so much like a draw now. So who is going to be tonight's Barack Obama and who will get their John McCain oven chips?
30.Nd3
... With the threat of Nb2. I'm 10 minutes behind on the clock entering a quickplay finish which means if I don't mix it he will probably win on time as there's fat chance of 50 moves without a pawn being moved or a piece capture. No time to think, jfdi. "What's jfdi Alex?" "Just do it, Mr Editor Graham." "Oh right. Hang on, what does the f stand for?"
The swamp tiger is no more. But as I said, nothing so jammy could die so easily. The tiger would know how to make the most of this position. But the tiger is dead, and bringing his spirit back to life in little plastic chessmen won't exactly be Child's Play. "Ade due damballa. Give me the power, I beg of you...." Is that lightning outside?
ACT THREE: THRILLER "Two paths met in a forest. I chose the one less travelled, and that has made all the difference." The difference being that this path leads to the dark side. We're in a forest of pawns, both looking for a way to find or make a clearing. But only one of us knows that an ancient and jammy evil is about to be resurrected. The evil knight on d7 has been busy corrupting the goody-two-shoes knight at c7 and convinced her to go jamikaze.
30...Nxd5
Now aren't you glad we didn't go for an adjournment? This is Swamp 8.0, Knight of the Living Dead, not the 4NCL. We've already had quite enough of sensible for one game. A geeky little angel may have been on my right shoulder whispering take the draw with Ra4xa3, but meantime there was a stripey Jean-Claude van Jamme little devil on my left shoulder screaming my friend, remember chess is a combat sport, you have a once in a decade opportunity to dump another cement lorry load of stinky, putrid, slimy, ancient preserves (that's preserves webmaster, not preservatives, which means something quite different in French) in the pristine chess room of the heffalumps' exquisite boozer. Win or lose, at least you'll know you gave it your best shot.
31.exd5
Re4 !!!??
Three !!! because this may be the best swamp move I've played this decade, and two ?? because if not I've just thrown away a rock solid cast iron draw. This move has a double purpose, creating a passed f pawn and also clearing a line for the pawn at c5. And the subsequent c5-c4 also has two points, a fork and making way for the evil Nd7 to rise from the grave. Maybe 30. ... Rxe4 earlier would have gotten the job done. But would White have just gleefully grabbed the rook or would he have paused for a moment and been more careful, e.g. Ra7.
32.fxe4
Afterwards White suggested 32. Ra7 c4+; 33. Kb2 Re2; 34. Kc1
32...c4+
33.Kc2
cxd3+
34.Kxd3
ZNc5+
The evil zombie knight arises, possessed by the spirit of the swamp tiger. He's off his head on Red Bull and not happy about being trapped in the plastic body of a toy knight. He's bearing an industrial vacuum cleaner filled with festering jam, switched from suck to blow. Meanwhile White is thinking that surely now Black must be losing pitifully.
35.Ke2
Zxe4
Zombie Knight xe4.
Do two pawns beat the rook? White evidently thinks there's danger and decides to keep his bishop to battle the forces of darkness.
36.Be1
Zf6
37.Rb3
Not 37. Kf3 e4+
37...Zxg4
The zombie knight now has three resurrected zombie pawns and can rapidly advance two of them to the 6th rank. A possible two more pawns wait to be disintered and advance into the ranks, or should that be files, of the undead.
38.Rxb5
e4
I now have 5 moves plus checks to get me a zombie queen of the dead or I'm going to be tonight's Eddie the Eagle and White's going to be tonight's Van Helsing.
39.a4
f3+
Darkness falls across the land. The midnight hour is close at hand. And zombie pawns from every tomb, are closing in to seal your doom. With jam.
40.Kf1
e3
Surely Black cannot get away with this? But not only do I have two pasties on the 6th
rank, there's another one waiting to lurch forward. In a time scramble, the heffalump tries to win without also going swamp and plays "safe" moves.
41.Rb2
e2+
42.Kg1
White later suggested 42.Rxe2 fxe2; 43.Kxe2 Ze5; 44.Bg3 winning but 43. ... Zf6; 44.c4 Kd7 looks unclear as I don't have a Fritz.
42...Ze5
43.a5
Zd3
Yah boo sucks thinks the heffalump, I'm gonna queen and you're gonna get nothing. Die zombie bunny, die! Meanwhile the zombie chess muse is murmuring "Once again you must switch off your mind, think not of winning or losing, but trust your feelings, Zuke." It will all come down to whose pieces cooperate better, the living or the undead.
44.a6
Zxe1
45.Rxe2+
The White rook gives its life to stake the first of the children of the knight, then the king closes in to stake the second undead pawn.
45...fxe2
46.Kf2
Zd3+
There is something supernatural about the powers of the zombie knight. Why won't he
die? Because he is possessed by the spirit of the swamp tiger, the tool of a were-rabbit,
floating just out of staking reach like an evil butterfly, before stinging like an evil bee. You
can't kill his plastic body or his spirit, they're already dead!
47.Kxe2
Zf4+
Chomp! Now I knew I'd got my teeth well into his neck. But there are only a few minutes left. Everyone else has finished and gone downstairs to the bar. White was having great trouble moving the pieces owing to the fact that the room now looks like Alaska would if the Exxon Valdez had been transporting not oil but jam. There's jam on the table, jam on the walls, heck there's even jam on the ceiling.
48.Kf3
Zxd5
49.a7
Zc7
50.Ke4
d5+
51.Ke5
Kd7
The zombie knight has been pumping out a jam slick all across the width of the board from g1 to a8. I've used up all my barrel of jam, but White's found some of his own. Getting into the spirit of things a bit late in the night, he realises that the only place that
isn't so far sludged up with jam is the h-file and decides to remedy that.
52.Kf6
52. a8=Q Zxa8; 53.Kxd5 would have been more resistant but no chance of stalemate, though he might have won on time.
52...g4
Last of the children of the knight, the third zombie pawn sticks out its arms and begins to lurch forward. Knight of the Living Dead gives way to Pawn of the Dead.
53.Kg6
g3
54.Kxh6
g2
55.Kh7
g1ZQ
That's a Zombie Queen. I have 2 minutes left on the clock. Last week I lost on time with two moves to go by thinking too much. White's going for the stalemate or a swindle on time.
56.h6
Ke7
57.a8Q
ZNxa8
After a tour of 16 moves, the rampaging zombie knight finally comes to rest and finds peace, well a piece.
58.c4
dxc4
59.Kh8
Kf7
60.h7
ZQg7#
The board is knee deep in jam and White must be feeling about as inconsolably unlucky as a moose that of all the backyards in all of Alaska just happened to wander into Sarah Palin's when she was looking out the window. Meanwhile I've just had the best result of my life.
And though you fight to stay alive
Your body starts to shiver.
For no mere mortal can resist
The evil swamp knight thriller!
0-1